WHERE are the Kendricks?

For many years I've sporadically shared my heart about parenting a large family of foster, adopted and biological children in this blog.  Our life as a family is entering a new and exciting chapter and this blog will reflect this change as well.  We've served in the Dallas area with the Embrace ministry since its founding in 2007, becoming full-time missionaries with Embrace in 2009.  This ministry, was founded to give hope and support to local families caring for abused, neglected and orphaned children, has grown into a thriving effort impacting the nation on behalf of "the Fatherless".

When our children were very small... and there were just 4 of them... my husband Bruce and I have jumped at any opportunity to train churches on ways they can step up and surround foster and adoptive families.  We've traveled the state of Texas and to endless conferences across the nation, often meeting and consulting with individual churches them to meet this urgent need.  Besides racking up 40k miles per year on our family van, the wear and tear of being on the road every other weekend became harder for our family as our children have grown and become more involved in sports and activities.  While our ability to host training on a regular basis became more challenging, the demand continued to grow.  Requests rolled in from around the country for our one-day Parent Support Group Workshop.  We felt torn between the needs of our growing family and the needs of the ministry.  Looking back it's clear that this season of unrest and frustration would be the catalyst for an exciting new approach to multiplying the ministry God had called us to.

While we earnestly believe the work Embrace is doing here on the ground in DFW is incredibly needed, valuable and must continue, we feel an urgency and responsibility to replicate these efforts in other states.  On June 15 of this year we will set out on the Hometown Tour.  This year-long ministry planting effort will bring Embrace's unique Parent Support Group Workshop to 20 cities across the US.  Our family will spend the next 12 months on the road furthering the mission of Embrace and bringing hope to countless communities and children.  Along the way we will also be meeting with individual churches about launching orphan care ministries and promoting our first publication (a guide to help churches host respite events for foster and adoptive families).

We're aware of how extreme this plan is.  But these problems: children lingering in foster care without adoptive families, foster and adoptive parents in crisis due to a lack of support, the lethargy of the church in response to the orphan crisis... these are extreme issues.  There are times we've felt so afraid we became frozen in our steps.  We've felt inadequate and unprepared for what's ahead.  But God has applied a gentle pressure in our hearts.  A yearning to do His will no matter where that takes us.  This may not be my most eloquent post, as these words are hard to type.  And hard to live out.  In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."    I'm weary and anxious just thinking about the year ahead, but I have a peace in my heart knowing we're right where He has asked us to be.  I'm able to give Him my emotional burdens when I'm saddened at the reality of leaving our grandkids, adult children, church family, community and friends behind.  As we continue to check tasks off our now dwindling "to do" list before we depart I've kept my heart focused on the doors God has already flung open ahead of us and joy he will bring our family along the way.  It's a little wink from my heavenly father that he gave me a restless, hippie/gypsy heart then asked me to live in a van with my kids and road trip across the country.

I know that sounds like a nightmare for some people.

In the interest of keeping this post as brief as possible I've compiled some of the most common questions we've been asked and then answered them below:

What about your kids?:  Our youngest 8 children will be on the road with us.  Embrace has always been a ministry that involved our family and almost every aspect of our lives.  Our children are excited, nervous and curious about the year ahead.  They've spent most of their little lives on the frontier of Orphan Care alongside Bruce and I as this journey has taken us to many unexpected places in life.  The kids will attend the prestigious Kendrick Unschool for Mischievous Children while we are traveling and our oldest daughter will be taking college classes online.  I'll share more detail on the kids' education in a future post.

Where will you stay?: Our family recently purchased a bunkhouse-style travel trailer that we will be pulling with our van around the country.  We're taking downsizing to the extreme, going from 3,000 sq feet to just under 300 sq feet!   In some locations, where it's more practical, we will stay in short term rentals or missions housing.  To stay on schedule we'll be moving from one location to the next about every week, parking in a combination of state parks, KOAs and RV parks.  Our home in Melissa is on the market for lease, as well plan to return there (Lord willing) at the end of this year on the road.

What will happen to Embrace's local efforts while you're on the road?:  All the wonderful Embrace programs you've grown to love and count on will continue here in Texas.  Our local calendar is already full of respite events, family picnic, events for foster youth, donation drives, volunteer opportunities, fundraisers, support groups and recruitment efforts.  A combination of our local staff members and dedicated volunteers will help oversee these programs.  While Hometown Tour training sessions require a lot of planning and effort, the majority of our workload will still be dedicated to maintaining and expanding the ministry as a whole and planning for the future.

How can we help?:  We have some specific prayer points we would be grateful for you to join us in lifting up.  Would you pray for the health and safety of our family while on the road?  Would you join us in praying for the hearts of our children who have faced trauma as we make this transition?  Would you pray that God provides reliable renters for our home in Melissa?  Would you pray for endurance for Bruce and I as we enter a season that will demand an incredible amount of energy, patience, perseverance and faith?

I will post updates as we finalize our preparations to depart, then weekly in most cases when we are on the road.  I hope you will follow these updates and keep us covered in prayer.

I am a coke machine who trained my children to drive me crazy.

This week I attended a lunch seminar for non-profit volunteer coordinators.  An inspirational speaker gave a brief presentation on how to deal with difficult people in the workplace.  And, while I halfway listened and enjoyed the last bites of my cheesecake, the speaker shared an analogy that I am confident will forever change my parenting.  He wasn't even talking about parenting, he was talking about difficult coworkers.  But like a strike of lightening, I had a moment of clarity.

The analogy goes as follows (hang with me, I tried to make this brief... but it didn't really work):

When you put a dollar in a coke machine you expect the machine to dispense a cool, refreshing coke. But what if it takes your dollar and nothing happens?  You might push the button a few dozen more times.  And because you really want that coke, and if no one is looking... you might give the machine a little shove, shake or even a kick.  Why?  Because you're willing to take it up a notch to get what you want.  You're going to escalate the situation.  You show that coke machine who's boss!

Since this is a blog about families, and not malfunctioning vending machines, let's turn the tables. 

YOU are the coke machine.  And that customer who approaches the machine is your difficult coworker (or for our purposes, the INCREDIBLY challenging child you are raising).

So, your child approaches you (the coke machine) and inserts a dollar... but that dollar isn't a dollar, it's one of the INCREDIBLY maddening behaviors your child exhibits.  So this child unleashes that INCREDIBLY maddening behavior to get a coke.  But that coke isn't a coke... it's your reaction to their behavior.  This child is buying your reaction with their behavior.

So he inserts the dollar, then waits.  Waits for your reaction.  For you to yell.  Or pull your hair out.  Or punt a box of legos across the house.  Or bag up all the crayons and coloring books in a fit of fury and throw them in the trash can.  Or send them to bed without dinner.  Or yell at your spouse "ARE YOU NOT HEARING THIS???!!!"

But you're no newbie parent.  You're not going to give this little turd blessing the benefit of seeing you blow a gasket.  So you plant your feet, steady your resolve, and ignore this INCREDIBLY maddening behavior.  Or even better, you gently redirect your child.  You give a "do-over" or a "time in".  But this child knows what they want.  So instead of stopping, this little one looks you square in the eyes... and head-butts you so hard in the kisser that he splits your lip.  You swallow a little of your own blood and a throat full of expletives.  But there's no stopping it.

You lose it.

You yell, pull out your hair, punt a box of legos across the house, bag up everything in your reach and throw it in the trash can, send them to bed without dinner, then yell at your spouse "ARE YOU NOT HEARING THIS???!!!"  You tried to make a stand, but when this kid escalated, you had to teach him a lesson.  But here's that moment of clarity.

When you (the coke machine) didn't dispense the reaction (the coke) your child was looking for when he paid the dollar (his behavior)... you thought you were telling him "Guess what, you little sucker?  This coke machine is ALL OUT OF COKES!  You can tantrum up and down the aisles of Target, but this mama isn't giving in."  But then your child escalated, and what did you do?  You. Dispensed. The. Coke.  You finally gave your child the reaction he wanted!  So guess who's the sucker?  Look in the mirror Mama. You thought you were saying "ALL OUT OF COKES! No reactions today!!!" But do you know what you really did?

You raised the PRICE of a coke.

A coke now costs a dollar AND a head-butt.  So (from now on) when he wants a coke/reaction... you automatically get that INCREDIBLY maddening behavior PLUS escalation.  The new price of a coke.

That's when it hit me.  Lord have mercy, I have done this to MYSELF!  I have shown my children (again and again) that the coke machine is NEVER empty.  I have trained them to escalate their behaviors to get what they want.  I raised the price of a coke!

So now what?  

I'm parenting some tough little cookies.  You may be too.  Their behaviors may be caused by abuse, neglect, institutionalization, drug-exposure... or they could be a child you made yourself, who just happens to be a major handful.  If you are parenting a child who is broken, whose very core is altered by mistreatment, you can't control their behavior.  Yep.  You're off the hook.  You're reaping a harvest you didn't sow.  And that is really tough, lonely, embarrassing and might compel you to eat nachos alone, late at night.  But we can control ourselves. We can choose to focus on our reaction, instead of their behaviors.

Friends, this is a new truth that hit me this week like the stray swipe of a piñata bat.  I don't have a lot of answers.  The realization that I have the power to set the "price of a coke" has left me feeling a little bit foolish for my past behavior, but also empowered to change my ways.  I've stopped myself in my tracks and bit my tongue many times just this week, realizing I was about to offer a sought after reaction to an escalating child.

So, in case you weren't already tired of the vending machine analogy, here's how I'm going to try and un-do what I have done:

Have you ever worked somewhere with a malfunctioning vending machine?  You know the one.  The one that drops "dried fruit & nut mix" when you KNOW you pushed "G5" for a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos.  I've decided that I'm going to try and be that kind of machine.  The kind of machine that doesn't give you that unhealthy reaction you're looking for, but instead doles out wholesome alternatives.  I'm not going to walk away, or ignore behaviors, and I'm not going to allow a 4-year-old or a 19-year-old to push my buttons until I explode.  I'm going to focus on my reactions.  I'm going to offer peace when fury is expected.  I'm going to vend joy instead of anger.  This is no quick-fix.  This is a moment by moment decision I can make, and not beat myself up over if I screw up.

I'm going to try.

And, every once in a while, I might still dispense a little bag of "I'm going to sell your puppy on Craigslist if you don't remember to feed him again" just for good measure.

A new addition...

Reuben has a little announcement to make...